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the Journal of Mop
[ home ] I am Mop, Lord and Emperor of the Vampire Penguins. I disclose this, my personal journal, for all to see in the hopes that it will help others to understand what became of the once proud Vampire Penguin people. Our tale is a tragic one, encompassing several hundred years and many generations of Vampire Penguins. Unfortunately, the elders did not see it fit to share our treasured history with us, so everything you read here, you can proabably bet I'm making up. Monday, January 1st, 1990Got stone drunk last night. Woke up this morning, my tongue tasting like the sole of a shoe. Brushed my fangs. Discovered the sole of a shoe in my mouth. Must have been some party.Wednesday, February 7th, 1990THE MOTHER LOAD!!! Jo-Bob was out digging holes in the polar ice cap again (never did understand why...). This time, though, Jo-Bob struck black gold! Texas tea! Oil, that is! We're all gonna be STINKING RICH! As opposed to what we are now, which is just plain stinking. We're all gonna move to Beverly Hills. Movie stars! Swimming pools! Actually, I'm partial to a condo in Miami. Enough with this friggin' cold!Friday, February 9th, 1990A ship landed today on the shore of the Great Vampire Penguin Empire. A good and noble man came off that ship to negotiate with us the sale of our oil. Unfortunately, that good and noble man promptly slipped on a patch of ice, fell into the water and was eaten whole by a killer whale named Bubba. Needless to say, this man's friends (who are neither good nor noble), were none-too-happy. They've taken over the negotiations.Monday, February 12th, 1990We are unfamiliar with Mankind's fashion of negotiation (which seems to involve bats, clubs and other large sticks). Our negotiators are at a loss. We have, so far, won very few points. I still hope to get enough money out of this deal, though, for my condo in Miami.Tuesday, February 13th, 1990DISASTER! Our negotiators have given up. I met with them as they left the meeting hall. Rubbing their heads and downing Tylenol by the bottle-full, they insisted I sign whatever offer they place before me.Wednesday, Feburary 14th, 1990Today was the Great Signing Ceremony. I signed the documents that gave Mankind complete control over the Great Vampire Penguin Empire and its mineral deposits. I insisted, though, on a series of treaties in which Mankind would assure the continued existance of Vampire Penguin-kind, and the preservation of their kingdom.Thursday, February 15th, 1990Mankind has broken its treaties with the Vampire Penguin people. They have betrayed us. All Vampire Penguin-kind has been loaded on a ship and sent on our way to a small deserted island in the South Pacific. They tell us that it will be a three hour trip. We should be there by morning.Monday, February 19th, 1990Horror of horrors. It was supposed to be a three hour trip. A THREE HOUR TRIP! The weather started getting rough. Our tiny ship was tossed! If not for the courage of their fearless emperor, the Vampire Penguins would be lost. That and the fact that we can all swim and - given a good stiff breeze - fly, as well. The Vampire Penguins have been scattered. I, myself, was picked up by a tanker ship and hired on as a cabin penguin. I have, so far, been able to account for very few of our people. My spirits are high, though. I have faith that the Vampire Penguins will come together once more.Tuesday, February 20th, 1990It's over. I know it is. I'll never lead the Vampire Penguins again. The distance between us all is too great. I have failed my people. Woe is me. I think I'll have another boilermaker. Bartender! Give me another one! What?! How do YOU know what the limit is for a Vampire Penguin?! C'MON! GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE!!! I can take it! You think I can't handle my liquor?! Oh! Oh, great! Now look what you made me write!Sunday, April 22nd, 1990Get away from my herring! It's mine! You can't have it! Just who does he think he is?! Damned seagull! Been after my lunch every day for a week. But he's not gonna get you, little herring. You're mine. Been keeping you hidden in a shoe for just the right moment. Now, let's have us a feast fit for an emperor. Mmmmm mmmm! Pickled herring!Tuesday, September 16th, 1993Waaahshewooo? Eh? Wha shew ooking at? Get 'way. I ain't no show! Get 'way! I'll knife you! I swear! Hey! Hey, buddy! Didn't a'ways used to be like this! Used to be a emperor! Yeah! I's swears. A emperor!Wednesday, February 22nd, 1995The shelter which is presently my humble abode has just acquired a computer. They mean to teach me computer skills in hopes of making me a productive person. Nevermind that I'm a Vampire Penguin and don't have fingers. Typing with flippers is quite a trick, let me tell you!Tuesday, June 13th, 1995I wake up to a new dawn. It's a lovely morning. It's going to be a beautiful day. I wonder where my fellow penguins are this morning. I wonder what's become of them all. I hope they don't find me here. They're not gonna be a happy bunch.Glovmop, Mop Lord Emperor of the Vampire Penguins |