The Vampire Penguins are back, weirder (and more dangerous) than ever! The menace of the Vampire Penguin is well documented in history and legend. The first reports surfaced during the Middle Ages. And for hundreds of years, they haunted our nightmares. And then, suddenly, not too long ago... it was over. Reports of Vampire Penguins diminished to a trickle, and then to nothing at all. They were gone. Not one Vampire Penguin could be found. Sure, now and then your run-of-the-mill oddball would report having seen a Vampire Penguin sharing a fried peanut-butter and banana sandwich with Elvis, but we all know that Elvis doesn't share his sandwiches. No. There was only silence. The dead that quacked were gone. But we all knew it was too good to be true. They could not be gone forever. Fore they are, after all, undead; damned to waddle this mortal plain for all eternity... And so... they returned. At first, the reports were scattered. Los Angeles, New York, Washington D.C., the usual places where unsavory persons such as they are expected to be found. Tabloids reported rumors that Julia Roberts would marry a Vampire Penguin; Pictures surfaced of Bill Clinton accepting illegal campaign contributions from what seemed to be a black, wet, slippery flipper... it's owner obscured in shadows, but the conclusions were obvious. The Vampire Penguins were up to their old tricks. But the questions of the Vampire Penguin's past remained. Where had they gone? What had the Vampire Penguins been up to? Some speculated that the Vampire Penguins saw the psychedelic '60s and disco '70s coming their way and sought to shelter themselves from these evils. Others speculated that the Vampire Penguins were the cause for these evils, manipulating social culture from behind the scenes, all the while planning something big... but what? But you've asked your questions and now you will know. What's that? You say you've never heard of the Vampire Penguins? Then read this. INTERPOL and the FBI have complied a hefty dossier on the Vampire Penguins. Some surveillance photographs are available here. Sometimes you are presented an opportunity that cannot be passed up, no matter what your gut might be telling you. Sometimes terror must be overcome. When a short, mean looking flightless bird approached me late one night in the streets of San Francisco, I decided I had to listen to what it had to say. Here is my Interview With A Vampire Penguin. Most valued amongst Vampire Penguin researchers is a document known as the Journal of Mop. Mop is the name known to have passed down from leader to leader among the Vampire Penguins. Within you will find some excerpts of this journal. How did Vampire Penguins get involved with time travel? We don't know either, but you may be able to find some hints at the Time Travel Institute. The Vampire Penguins have had a storied history, including the Great Emu War which, ironically, was mostly faught against ostriches and surly Swedish settlers, the Matador Incident, which had all Spaniards saying "Remember El Toro!", the Roast Turkey Fiasco of 1908 which ruffled many a feather, and the Boston Coffee Party, a key moment in world history. Many of these stories have yet to be told in their entirety. Until then, perhaps you should just ask yourself... Just what are the Penguins of Penzance? And here are some choice penguin links.... |